Satire is the greatest form of social commentary. Good satire elicits laughter, and laughter bypasses ideology, opinion, and belief system. It’s a moment of bodily satori, realization at its purest and most unfiltered. No one does a better job of creating these hilarious satori-moments than The Onion. In fact, I’d nominate them for Most Valuable Account on my Instagram feed, right up there with Erykah Badu, bonsai trees and Loki the Wolf-Dog. Business has never been better for satirical writers, so I thought I’d go ahead and take a swing at it. I think it’s good karma to pass the laughter forward, no? Lord knows we all need it. Enjoy! ~ JM
Man Realizes Nephew Is Laughing At Text Message, Not His Bad Joke
Thinking that he’d finally achieved a warm moment of connection with his teenage nephew, jaded real-estate agent Ronald Farmer was greatly disappointed to learn that the young man had instead received an intensely hilarious text from one of his buddies at precisely the moment he uttered his quip. “I immediately felt my heart sink,” said Farmer via Skype, “I really thought we’d shared a meaningful moment of laughter and bonding. When I clapped him on the shoulder, he jerked his head up in confusion and awkwardly clarified that he wasn’t laughing at what I said, after all. I left my brother’s house soon after that. I think I’d rather get stabbed in the chest with a pitchfork.” Qualified experts at important universities claim that ‘Crestfallen Uncles’ have increased in number since 2010, as the behavior of digital millennials has become more cryptic to out-of-touch 40 year-olds with dead-end jobs. “It was a great joke,” Farmer maintained, “there was this TV show on about black bears, and I said that the narration was ‘unbearable’, and–anyways…you just had to be there.”
Ex-President Shatters Old Basketball Records In Garage Driveway
In an NBA season full of record-breaking performances and mind-numbing stats, former U.S. president Barack Obama may have had the last laugh this past Saturday evening. Shooting alone on his retractable basketball net after dinner, Obama soon recognized that his unorthodox lefty jump-shot was connecting at an unfathomable rate. It wasn’t long before he realized history was in the making. “I got into one of those zones, you know, where it’s almost impossible to miss. When I hit that one fadeaway from the corner as I crashed into the mulberry hedges, I knew I had something special going.” While the accomplishments of people playing basketball in their driveways have gone almost entirely unrecorded, critics agreed that President Obama turned in a legendary performance. “You don’t hear about guys hitting consecutive three pointers from the gardenia bushes that often,” said a former D-League scout, “I mean, you can’t prove that he’s not the first guy to do it.” When asked if he thought his marksmanship would change the way basketball is played in front yards across America, Obama laughed. “You never know. If kids start shooting the ball over their head from 30 feet away on a regular basis, it might change their mothers’ mind on having a hoop that close to the house!” Negotiations for a presidential shoe contract with Under Armor are reportedly underway.
Big Foot Rumored To Have Been Momentarily Captured on Snapchat
In a development that has done little to resolve the interminable controversy surrounding Big Foot and, by extension, all other paranormal mysteries known to man, 16 year-old high school student Clarissa Mitchell has claimed that she had prime footage of the creature during a recent hiking trip in the Uintah mountains of Utah. Unfortunately, the footage was taped on the popular teen app known as Snapchat, a platform famous for its 10-second clips that dissolve into oblivion once they’ve been viewed by the recipient. As a result, there is absolutely nothing to substantiate the young girl’s claims. “No, you don’t even understand,” Mitchell insisted over the phone, “it was crazy. My BFF Felicity was being so rude, she wouldn’t believe I was in the mountains with my crush’s parents. So, you know, I decided to send a passive aggressive snap of the trees and stuff. And…OMG. That thing was so big, like, I almost died. You could see it so perfectly and, I don’t know, I just sent it. It was hairy, too. Just… yuk!” Having taken some time to sift through and interpret Mitchell’s testimony, paranormal scientists have concluded that the case is yet another in a long list of anecdotal Big Foot cases resting on zero evidence. Snapchat executives, under fire for encouraging under-age perversion, were unavailable for comment.
Greek Critics of Alphabet Foresaw the Tyranny of Google, Studies Show
Working from newly-discovered Athenian scrolls thought to have originally been stored in the Library of Hadrian, historians have announced that Google’s naysayers long predate the Silicon Valley megalith itself. Today’s alphabet, commonly seen as a system of writing with no beginning or end, was a source of great controversy when it first arrived in Athens around 9th century BC. “There was much philosophical anguish for an oral culture transitioning into literacy,” says Dr. Jebediah Gromwell, humanities professor at a local community college. Even Plato warned about the dangers of coming under the spell of the written word. Plato’s friends, however, took it a step further. “This is directly from the scrolls of an underground philosopher named Acrion,” drones Dr. Gromwell. “‘There is great tyranny implicit in the inscribing of letters on the page. For ere long it will come about that man will lose his imagination, and be little more than a function of the information his particularities have generated. Then he will know naught else save that which is mirrored back at him, and soon mankind will be but a sum of figures legible to a privileged class.’” For many, it only confirms that Google has, indeed, risen to complete and omniscient dominion over man’s soul, much like the scribal castes of ages past. In a glib statement, Google responded: “Given their clairvoyant premonitions, it’s a shame we’ll never know how Acrion or Plato would have performed on Candy Crush. Lol”